Local woman pens memoir about coming out gay in conservative Ottawa County

OTTAWA COUNTY — At 70, Carol Tanis is comfortable in her own skin. 

She is successful, confident and a proud gay woman. But getting there came with a price, great loss and decades of scrutiny and judgment.

Growing up in Hudsonville during the 1960s and 1970s, she navigated a conservative region where social and religious norms offered little space for openly gay residents. Recently, the former journalist published a debut memoir, “Here Before There Was Queer: A Memoir,” documenting her decision to step out of the shadows.

The book details a personal journey full of highs and lows.

The project began during the early months of the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020. Isolated at home, Tanis reached out to a friend with whom she began exchanging handwritten essays by mail. 

Eventually, the woman, a retired English teacher, suggested Tanis had enough material for a book. Writing the initial draft by hand, Tanis penned a candid memoir that required confronting decades of silence surrounding her family, her personal life, and her sexuality.

“It was on the page, kind of a transformation there, and the prospect of that was a little daunting, to be honest with you. I thought, ‘that's scary – I've been hiding through much of my life, not as much recently, but I decided, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right.’”

Tanis knew she was lesbian in elementary school at South Elementary, but buried her attraction to women. Later, she graduated from Grand Valley State University, met and married a man she met there; they divorced after five years.

During the 1980s, Tanis worked in Grand Rapids as a news reporter for WOOD Radio and WZZM-TV 13, remaining closeted while navigating a very public role in local media. 

She eventually embraced her sexual orientation after taking a job in the marketing and public relations office at Central Michigan University. Living away from family and friends, she gained the courage to come out as a lesbian to a largely affirming university campus culture.

In her early 30s, she embraced herself with the support of family, friends, her church, and local PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) organization.

Family revelations formed a central hurdle in her life. Tanis never came out to her father before he died of cancer at age 79 in 1996. 

Though she never told him directly, she believes he knew.

Her mother also knew without an explicit conversation; after Tanis moved out West with a woman she met at CMU and later returned to Hudsonville, she lived with her mother. In 2010, after her mother suffered a stroke and while in the intensive care unit at Zeeland Community Hospital, Tanis spoke the words aloud for the first time.

Tanis had also opened up to the man she once married. 

When she told her ex-husband she was writing her book to give him a heads-up, he told her he had already learned through mutual friends and offered his support, telling her everyone deserved to be happy.

But her journey wasn’t always a happy one. 

Tanis, who is not currently in a relationship, said she had one very serious relationship that ended in betrayal, she said. She moved out West in the mid-1990s with her partner, who later struggled with alcohol and gambling, eventually opening credit cards in Tanis' name without her knowledge. 

During that same period, Tanis lost her job, learned her brother-in-law was terminally ill with pancreatic cancer, and sold her condominium at a loss. Facing mounting debt caused by identity theft, Tanis returned home to Ottawa County to rebuild her life while fielding calls from debt collectors.

"It's hard when someone that you trust and love betrays you," Tanis said, noting that revisiting those years was the most difficult part of writing the manuscript.

But she remained positive and was determined to finish her book. She hired a professional editor and worked with local writers' groups to polish the final draft.

“It dawned on me that, if I really want to have a book that people beyond my friends and relatives are interested in, I really need to come out. So it was through on the page, kind of a transformation there, and the prospect of that was a little daunting, to be honest with you. I thought that's scary.,” she said. “I've been hiding through much of my life ... so I decided, you know, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right."

Today, Tanis focuses her time on LGBTQ advocacy work in West Michigan. Reflecting on her journey, she points to the broader shift in societal acceptance. During much of her life, the word "queer" was used to denigrate lesbians and gays, but today it has largely been embraced as an umbrella term for the broad spectrum of the community.

"My passion now is LGBTQ rights, and that I find very fulfilling. I have a purpose, and that gets me out of bed in the morning,” Tanis said. “Life is really probably the best, and on some level, that it's ever been. I can do what I want. I'm financially secure. My life is my own. It's wonderful."

She also said she no longer feels like she has to be shamed by those in the religious community. 

"If I had to quickly summarize how I justify being gay when it says a lot of things in the Bible, I think to me the heart of Christianity is loving your neighbor," Tanis said. "I will go on the record saying I don't think God really cares, as long as I serve my neighbor and spread love and kindness and generosity and peace."

“Here Before It Was Queer: A Memoir” is available for purchase for $15 in paperback and on Kindle. 

— Heather VanDyke covers northern Ottawa County for the Ottawa News Network. Contact her at hvandyke@ottawanewsnetwork.org.