Bill Dalton: Superintelligencefragilisticexpialidocious
How would a press conference go between Trump and reporters on "super intelligence"? Columnist Bill Dalton explores that in his latest column.
EDITOR'S NOTE: The views and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not of Ottawa News Network.
(Scene: News conference outside the Library of Congress)
President Trump: I can’t believe you guys keep showing up for these, especially CNN, because I hate all you losers.
CNN reporter: I’ll do my best to be professional and objective. So, what are you up to today, you corrupt, delusional moron?
Trump: As you’ve already heard on Trump Television, the only media that never spreads "fake news," I’ve signed an Executive Order — I love giving orders — banning the federal government from ever using the words Artificial Intelligence. From now on, it’ll be called SUPERINTELLIGENCE.
NBC News reporter: What was wrong with A.I.?
Trump: I had trouble spelling it. Besides, there’s nothing artificial about it. It’s as real as crypto, the tan on my face and Dolly Parton’s breasts. In fact, we’re getting rid of everything ARTIFICIAL in America. No more artificial sweetener, it’s Supersweetner! No more artificial limbs, they’re Superlegs! We’re Making America Super Again!
CBS News reporter: I’ve seen recent polls suggesting most Americans think everything Supersucks.
Trump: You’re looking at the wrong polls. My SuperPAC just paid for a Superpoll and everyone thinks I’m doing a Superjob.
ABC News reporter: Where was that poll taken?
Trump: Russia.
Politico reporter: So why are we at the Library of Congress? And why do I smell smoke?
Trump: Oh, that’s Homeland Security burning books. We don’t need paper anymore. Superintelligent supercomputers will be the repository of all human knowledge from now on.
NPR reporter: Wow, what could go wrong? Sounds a little Orwellian.
Trump: Or what?
NPR reporter: Orwellian. You know, the author who wrote Nineteen Eighty-Four?
Trump: I don’t remember yesterday. Next question, and it better not be about a book I haven’t read, which is all of them.
Politico reporter: Where are our $5,000 "Trump Dividend" checks? And our $2,000 tariff refund checks you promised?
Trump: They should be arriving in your mailbox right after Election Day, if you vote Republican. In fact, my lovely assistant, the talented Natalie, is signing them personally with Joe Biden's autopen. Just don't cash them until Congress appropriates the money, which we'll have to borrow, probably from China.
FOX News reporter: (Excited) Why is there an orchestra on stage with you, Mr. Superpresident?
Trump: With the permission of the Disney company, which I just bought with your money, I’m going to sing a song to celebrate our new Superwords. And a one, and a two, and a…
(Orchestra plays “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” from "Mary Poppins")
Trump: (Singing off key) Superintelligencefragilisticexpialidocious, Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, If you say it loud enough, you’ll always sound precocious, Superintelligencefragilisticexpialidocious!
(Sounds of retching from Secret Service agents and the press corps as the music suddenly stops)
Trump: Get used to it, losers. I’ll sing it again at the grand reopening of the Kennedy Center, after we tear it down and build the “Trump Supercenter for the Superperforming Superarts”! Hey, someone needs to clean up this Supermess.
CNN reporter: That’ll be the Democrats.
— Bill Dalton is a former reporter and editor for The Kansas City Star and worked for several Michigan newspapers. He spends summers on the family farm near Fennville. His novel “The Bank Game” is available from Amazon along with “Dalton’s Bend.”
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