Bill Dalton: A special place

(Scene: Hell)

Satan: Welcome, all of you from the packaging industry. Millions of American consumers requested that you be sent to this special place. I assume deep in your dark little hearts, you expected to be here someday, too. Well, that someday is today.

Clam shell inventor: Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but I just used your restroom and there was no toilet paper.

Satan: Frustrating, isn’t it? My assistant will show you a supply of toilet tissue that should last an eternity.

(Assistant devil escorts the inventor of the clam shell package into a cavernous room stacked to the roof with toilet tissue, all encased in plastic)

Clam shell inventor: I hate being a pain, but when I arrived, they pulled out my fingernails and my teeth. You don’t happen to have scissors, do you? Or a knife? A cutting torch?

Assistant devil: (Chuckling) Sorry, no sharp objects in Hell. Wouldn’t want you to cut yourself!

Clam shell inventor: But I’m starting to feel itchy, you know, down there.

Assistant devil: You get used to it. Just open a package of toilet tissue. Use as much as you like!

Satan: You, there. Aren’t you the one who came up with the Energizer “3 in 1 Child Shield” with color alert and secure bitter coating?

Battery shield inventor: No, that wasn’t me. (Points to the inventor of the zip-lock resealable food bag) It was her!

Zip-lock resealable inventor: He’s lying! I never used batteries in my life! Swear to … God.

Satan: Silence!!! Besides, there’s no point in lying. The only place worse than Hell where you can lie with impunity is Washington. And even I don’t want to go there anymore.

Battery shield inventor: I’m sorry, I’m having trouble hearing you. My hearing aid batteries are dead. May I please replace them? Do you have a razor blade? Or a scalpel, anything?

Satan: What’s that you say? I can’t heeeeaaaarrr yooooouuuuu, hahahahahaha!

Zip-lock resealable inventor: I really don’t belong here. All I did was help humanity save food and keep their perishables fresh. I deserve better than this.

Satan: Of course you do. You may go to Heaven now! All you have to do is … get these two tiny strips of plastic to line up just right. Do you think you can do that?

Zip-lock resealable inventor: I think so. Let me try. Wait. Where are my fingers?!?!?!

Satan: Even if you had 20 fingers, you couldn’t line them up, but go ahead and try. We have all the time in the world.

Zip lock resealable inventor: (Sobbing) Maybe if I use my lips! Is it OK if I use my lips?

Satan: Whatever, but it’s easier to do a Rubik’s Cube with your buttocks. Next! And who are you?

Toothpaste foil cap inventor: Oh, you can skip me and go to the cereal and potato chip bag guy.

Satan: I have other plans for the cereal and potato chip bag guy. So, you found it amusing to put that teensy weensy foil cap on the end of the toothpaste because perhaps, just maybe, a terrorist might poison toothpaste.

Toothpaste foil cap inventor: Well, there are some pretty evil people in the world; you should know that.

Satan: True, but they had their reasons to run for Congress. But enough politics. How about a piece of chocolate?

Toothpaste foil cap inventor: Chocolate? Sure, but how do you keep this stuff from melting down here? It’s pretty warm.

Satan: Oh, it’s special chocolate. Eat some, it’s goooooood.

Toothpaste foil cap inventor: Mmmm. Arrgh!! OMG! This tastes like ...

Satan: I know. Want some toothpaste?

— Bill Dalton is a former reporter and editor for The Kansas City Star and worked for several Michigan newspapers. He spends summers on the family farm near Fennville. His novel “The Bank Game” — a sexy/trashy crime thriller — is available from Amazon.