Bill Dalton: Arrgh, pirates!
EDITOR'S NOTE: The views and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not of Ottawa News Network.
(Hastily called news conference aboard the USS Gerald R. Ford somewhere off the coast of Venezuela)
Trump: Ladies and gentlemen of the press — and that includes you, Miss Piggy from ABC News — thanks for coming on such short notice. I know you all have questions about seizing the tankers containing Venezuelan oil, but first, I have even bigger news.
ABC News reporter: Mr. President! Mr. President! Why is Johnny Depp here?
Trump: If you’d be less obnoxious, I’d tell you that Pete Hegseth has resigned as Secretary of War and is being replaced by my good friend Johnny, or as he prefers to be called, Capt. Jack Sparrow. He will personally oversee all our naval operations for the foreseeable future.
Depp: I’m not really sure why I’m here because usually this time of year I’m selling cologne and just looking sexy. But if you’re wondering what this is all about, I can sum it up in one word…pirates!
NBC News: So, Mr. President are you announcing that the United States’ foreign policy now includes piracy?
Trump: Piracy is such a negative word. Really, this is all about affordability. Those millions of gallons of Venezuelan oil will reduce the cost of gasoline by one cent a gallon for the next two days in America! I promised we’d reduce prices and this is just the beginning, right Capt. Jack?
Depp: Aye aye, we’ll be hijacking, I mean interdicting, every ship in the Caribbean and all the booty will be distributed throughout the red states. Coffee, bananas, avocados — whatever we seize — will help keep grocery prices down. Right, President Blackbeard?
Trump: I love this guy! “Kill ‘em all” Hegseth just blew things up. There’s no profit in that, which is why I’ve now put him in charge of our nuclear power plants. But South America is huge, rich in oil, minerals, and beautiful women. All ours for the taking! I don’t know why Biden didn’t think of this.
NPR reporter: Um, but piracy is stealing and generally frowned upon by most of the civilized world. How can the United States justify taking other countries’ goods?
Depp: (Smiling and flashing a gold tooth) Pirates!
Trump: Listen, media dummies, we got a seizure warrant from a federal judge because this ship’s past included smuggling Iranian oil. It had nothing to do with the Maduro government. But hey, Capt. Jack, tell them that joke. You know, the one where I wet myself.
Depp: Where do you find a pirate who’s lost his wooden leg?
Trump: (Laughing hysterically) I don’t know, Capt. Jack, where? Oh, I did it again!
Depp: Right where you left him!
Trump: I told you this guy was better than Hegseth! You’re killing me, Capt. Jack.
Depp: Speaking of killing, where do you find a Venezuelan narco-terrorist whose boat just exploded on videotape?
Trump: (Giggling, bending over) I don’t know, where, my Captain?
Depp: Here. There. Everywhere. But you’ll never see the video.
CBS Reporter: So, this is all a big joke? Will the American flag now be black with a skull and crossbones?
Trump: Are you stupid? What’s the point of having all these weapons if we don’t use them? It makes us look weak. Our new piracy policy is all about America First. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to change my pants.
Depp: (Whispering to CBS reporter) I like your flag idea. Can I steal it?
— Bill Dalton is a former reporter and editor for The Kansas City Star and worked for several Michigan newspapers. He spends summers on the family farm near Fennville. His book “Dalton’s Bend” is available from Amazon.
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