Bill Dalton: Shrinkage
"Wouldn’t it be wonderful to drive down the highway on empty and spot a gas station sign lit up with numbers like $1.28? Imagine your disappointment when you discover that’s for only an ounce of unleaded," columnist Bill Dalton writes.
EDITOR'S NOTE: The views and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not of Ottawa News Network.
Anyone who was a fan of the television comedy show “Seinfeld” probably remembers the famous shrinkage episode.
If you don’t, let me remind you. George had just finished swimming and was in his room changing out of his cold, wet bathing suit when a woman unexpectedly walked in on him.
She saw him naked, glanced down, and giggled. Mortified, George later asked his friend Jerry if women knew about “shrinkage.”
If women don’t know about it, the American consumer certainly does, because today we’re all suffering from what could be a terminal case of shrinkage.
I noticed it again this week when I got a free chocolate chip cookie at my credit union. Usually, they’re about the size of a donut. But now they’re about the size of a silver dollar. You remember those, right? They don't buy as much as they used to.
I also noticed something funny may be happening at McDonald’s with their Egg McMuffins and Quarter Pounders. Is it just me or are the English muffins and hamburger buns getting just a teeny-weenie (sorry George) bit smaller?
Which brings me to something else I noticed for the first time at the grocery store meat counter. For as long as I can remember, beef sold by the pound. But last week I did a double take when I saw steak being sold by the ounce.
That’s right, by the ounce. I assume it’s a marketing ploy for us poorer folks who can no longer afford to buy meat by the pound.
I suspect that could present a problem someday for McDonald’s, because a Quarter Ouncer just doesn’t sound as satisfying as a Quarter Pounder. Maybe that’s why they’re shrinking their buns. To make their meat look bigger?
I’ve also noticed something may be happening with candy bars and potato chips. (If you’re starting to wonder whether I have an eating disorder, I don’t, but wouldn’t a Snickers and a bag of Cheetos taste good right now?)
The price of candy and chips is going up, up, up, while their packaging seems to be getting smaller, smaller, smaller, like their wrappers just took a dip in the ice cold Atlantic ocean.
What’s next? With gasoline more than $4 a gallon, I predict we’ll soon see it sold just like beef. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to drive down the highway on empty and spot a gas station sign lit up with numbers like $1.28? Imagine your disappointment when you discover that’s for only an ounce of unleaded.
Maybe you’re also experiencing shrinkage (your paycheck, your pocketbook, your net worth), but I’ve noticed another phenomena that’s chafing my bits. (You may want to put down your Danish for this.)
Toilet paper.
Not the luxurious, cushy-on-your-tushy brands such as Charmin or Angel Soft, but the flimsy, scratchy ones you often find at rest stops, convenience stores or your place of employment. Some of those rolls are so narrow now that instead of (excuse me) wiping it feels more like (I’m really sorry) flossing.
One last thing before I totally ruin your appetite, assuming you can still afford the drive-thru at McDonald’s.
No offense to our heavier fellow Americans, but I’ve often wondered how those weighing in the range of say, 4,800 to 6,400 ounces, manage to feel (excuse me once again) “clean” after using the cheaper, narrower toilet tissue.
Fortunately, I don’t wonder about such things for long because, in addition to my fondness for junk food, I also suffer from a short attention span.
In fact, my attention span is shrinking almost as fast as prices are getting bigger and bigger, while everything else is getting smaller and smaller.
Now I know how George felt.
What was I writing about?
— Bill Dalton is a former reporter and editor for The Kansas City Star and worked for several Michigan newspapers. He spends summers on the family farm near Fennville. His novel “The Bank Game” is available from Amazon along with “Dalton’s Bend.”
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