Bill Dalton: The Oddity
America feels like it's trapped in a Greek tragedy right now.
EDITOR'S NOTE: The views and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not of Ottawa News Network.
(Scene: Odiferous is setting sail from the city-state of Mar-A-Lithica to lay siege to Tehran and win the release of Melana, the coldest woman on Earth, who the Tehranians kidnapped to cool their cities, which are without air-conditioning after the destruction of their power plants.)
Zeus: Odiferous, don’t refuse the goddess’ bed if she offers it to you or she’ll turn your army into swine!
Odiferous: Thanks, Zeus, but I never take advice, not even from the gods. I made Mar-A-Lithica great again, so now I must conquer those who’ve taken Melana and the Strait of Hormuz hostage.
Zeus: The Tehranians are resourceful. It will take all of your trickery and the help of the gods to defeat them, Odiferous.
Odiferous: I will offer the Tehranians a gift — a gold Trojan Trump — a hollowed-out replica of the American presidency. Once inside the gates of the city, Hegsethius and Rubiodius will pillage and plunder and make Tehran great again!
JD Televanceus: But Odiferous, what if you don’t return? Can I have your golden office?
Odiferous: Only if you can memorize 12,000 lines of dactylic hexameter verse and repeat it at the next Washington correspondent’s dinner without a teleprompter. Can you do that?
JD Televanceus: Never mind. I’ll just go back to Ohio. Watch out for the big hairless guy with one eye in the middle of his head.
Eumaeus Blanche: I wish I had one good eye.
Odiferous: That’s why I put you in charge of the Justice Department, Eumaeus Blanche. Because justice is supposed to be blind. You never got that, did you?
(Odiferous sets sail on Air Force One, retrofitted with sails and oars, passing through the Strait of Hormuz, when the sirens call out)
Sirens: Odiferous! Stop the bombing! Stop the blockade! We want to make a deal!
Odiferous: I have wax in my ears! I can’t hear you! Na na na na boo boo!
(Odiferous sails on, landing at the gates of Tehran, leaving the gold Trojan Trump behind before sailing back to Mar-A-Lithica)
(Later that night…)
Tehran’s Supreme Leader: It’s only fake, spray-on gold paint, like that spray-on tan Odiferous wears. He is fooling no one. He has no exit strategy, no off ramp. His gestures are hollow, like the golden Trump.
(At the urging of his Secret Service, Odiferous makes an emergency landing on the Isle of Aeaea, where Circe offers him a lotus flower.)
Odiferous: (Munching loudly) I’m worried and haunted that my war with the Tehranians may eventually lead to the end of civilization. A forever war.
(Circe shape shifts into Kamalaypso, a Democratic Socialist)
Kamalaypso: Eat more lotus flower, Odiferous. Then we will see if you can pass my test of strength.
Odiferous: Does it involve stringing a bow? Because I can’t do that, I’ve got bone spurs. How about a round of golf instead?
Kamalaypso: (Laughing softly) Odiferous, you’ve been with me for 7 years, you’re so old you can hardly walk anymore, let alone swing that club of yours.
Odiferous: Then you must release me so I can return to Mar-A-Lithica, before the suitors take over and assume my throne. Help me, Kamalaypso … Kamalaypso … Kamalaypso …
(Odiferous awakes on the shores of Chesapeake Bay)
Athena: Dude, you’ve been away a long time. Things have changed.
Odiferous: Am I still king?
Athena: You’re a beggar now, like everyone else in America who can no longer afford gasoline because of your 10-year war with the Tehranians. You’ve been exiled!
Odiferous: Exiled? Where?
Athena: To ADX Florence, “the Alcatraz of the Rockies.” We lost the midterms, you were impeached, and Jack Smithicus came out of retirement to convict you in absentia of multiple crimes. Don’t you watch FOX?
Odiferous: What about my dog? Did he die?
Athena: Spoiler alert — you didn’t have a dog, remember, Odiferous? He's man's best friend, and you never had any.
Odiferous: I feel like I'm trapped in a Greek tragedy.
Athena: So do we, Odiferous, so do we.
— Bill Dalton is a former reporter and editor for The Kansas City Star and worked for several Michigan newspapers. He spends summers on the family farm near Fennville. His novel “The Bank Game” — a crime thriller — is available from Amazon, along with “Dalton’s Bend.”
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