I hate Holland's Tulip Time Festival.

There, I said it. For some reason, it feels good to finally get it out into the open. Like admitting a drinking problem, confessing to uncontrollable flatulence, or fill in the blank.

So, when it mercifully ended this year after eight crazy nights of tiptoeing through the tulips, I felt a welkom sense of relief.

It all stems from my fear of tulips or what’s known as “tulipanthophobia.” I know it’s irrational and hard to pronounce, but years of immersion therapy — dating mostly Dutch women and even marrying one — only made it worse.

Wife: You know, my people have a saying: “If you ain’t Dutch, you ain’t much.”

Me: My people call corn maize, but it’s still corn.

Wife: You’re not Native American.

Me: I know, but I was born in America, so I’m a native of America and therefore entitled to own a casino.

Wife: As always, you’re not making any sense.

Me: Does it make sense for 600,000 people to travel hundreds of miles and spend thousands of dollars to look at a bunch of tulips?

Wife: Dollars and cents.

Me: Aha! So, you admit Tulip Time has little to do with preserving Dutch heritage. It's merely a devious ploy to separate old folks from their Social Security checks!

Wife: Every small town needs a gimmick to attract tourists, even Saugatuck.

Me: You’re right, but Saugatuck needs more than just art galleries, beautiful beaches and its quaint, small-town charm.

Wife: Isn't the Venetian Festival enough?

Me: Maybe for those who like to watch uber-rich boat owners suck tequila body shots from the belly buttons of hookers. But my people would say Saugatuck needs a casino. A floating casino. Perhaps in that shallow, weedy water north of the Red Dock.

Wife: I doubt the DNR would go for that. Or the local shop owners. It’d divert too much money to the slots.

Me: But you’ve got to admit if you could lure a sea of blue-haired tourists from Holland to Saugatuck, it would be a gold mine for the local economy. And my people.

Wife: There you go again with your people. We’re all Americans, including the Dutch.

Me: Just so you know, you can’t even buy almond banket in Amsterdam — they laugh at you. And next year’s Tulip Time is probably kapot anyway because of Trump’s tariffs.

Wife: Wat de hel? (Loosely translated, that's Dutch for "huh?")

Me: Those wooden shoes? The Canadians are going to quadruple the price of wood — if they’ll even sell it to us. You’ll be klompen in Crocs next spring and, trust me, it won’t sound the same.

Wife: (Crying huge Dutch tears, which by the way are the secret to growing hardy tulips!)

Me: Sorry, honey, but I’m afraid there’s more bad news.

Wife: What now?

Me: Unfortunately, that movie “Holland” starring Nicole Kidman bombed and only got a 21% rating on the Tomatometer.

Wife: But we were counting on that movie putting us on the map with Hollywood elites, maybe even spinning off a “Madea Does Tulip Time” movie!

Me: It gets worse. Police dug up a dismembered body in the tulip garden near the De Zwaan windmill. Authorities think it may be Mimi Cave, the director.

Wife: OMG! Do they have any suspects?

Me: Well, Kidman is a person of interest — along with dozens of film critics and about 34,000 Holland residents.

— Bill Dalton is a former reporter and editor for The Kansas City Star. His new book “Dalton’s Bend” already is banned in Saugatuck and probably soon to be banned in Holland. But it’s still available from Amazon Kindle Books.