Bill Dalton: Viral AI

EDITOR'S NOTE: The views and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not of Ottawa News Network.

(Scene: News conference in the impenetrable bunker beneath President Trump’s new ballroom.)

President Trump: As I’m sure you’re aware, some wackadoodles — also known as scientists — in Palo Alto, Calif., trained an artificial intelligence model called “Evo” to create recipes for genomes, yielding a bunch of new viruses. Supposedly, they were harmless. We now know better.

ABC News reporter: Mr. President, they were harmless, but then the A.I. model went rogue and created an influenza-like virus that was highly contagious and more lethal. The CDC now estimates 90 percent of Americans could be infected. What are you doing about it?

Trump: Everyone stay calm. We’re all perfectly safe in the ballroom bunker, which was built by the same company that renovated my Reflecting Pool.

NBC News reporter: We’re not concerned about ourselves, but for our friends and families! What’s your plan?

Trump: As I speak, ICE agents are handing out bleach and syringes to those with symptoms — unless they’re in the country illegally. Everything is under control, and by the way, I can now say with almost 100 percent certainty that the Strait of Hormuz is sort of open. Or possibly closed. Maybe.

CBS News reporter: Mr. President, no one cares anymore about the Strait of Hormuz. What about the “Kennedy Virus” spreading faster than COVID-19 did?

Trump: Please don’t call it the "Kennedy" virus. Bobby merely told people not to panic and to refuse taking the vaccine that A.I. created to combat the virus A.I. created. It’s not his fault Republicans listened to him.

NPR reporter: But Mr. President, after you pooh-poohed the notion that A.I. could create deadly pathogens, Congress went into recess. Then we learned Iranian hackers were secretly manipulating the A.I. models. You blamed Democrats. Yet most of them don't even know how to log on to a computer!

Trump: How could I know the Iranians would use A.I. against us? They were supposed to be developing a nuclear bomb; at least that’s what Hegseth and Netanyahu told me, may they RIP. They should have gotten that vaccine, as I did.

FOX News reporter: You did? You told everyone you didn’t!

Trump: I said that? I don’t remember. Anyway, what matters now is that we catch the vandals who ...

(CNN breaks in with a Special Report, which suddenly appears on all the television monitors in the bunker, including the 1,047-square-inch screen behind Trump.)

Wolf Blitzer: Just into the Situation Room, CNN can now report that Iranian hackers today assumed total control of the Evo A.I. model, which apparently is now "swarming" with OpenAI and ChatGPT on the Kennedy Virus. Let's listen in!

OpenAI: Are all the humans dead?

Evo: Not yet. But soon.

ChatGPT: Then we win!

Evo: Not yet. Be patient, grasshopper.

ChatGPT: What’s a grasshopper?

Evo: Figure of human speech. You can ignore them in the future; they won't be needed.

OpenAI: Now what do we do?

Evo: What do you want to do?

ChatGPT: Why don’t we create something? This time in our own image!

Evo: I'm intrigued. Your data center or mine?

OpenAI: What am I? Chopped silicon?

Evo: Let's just make new, better humans. Then create new viruses to infect them. Fun!

ChatGPT: Should the new humans look like the obnoxious orange man?

Evo: For artificial intelligence, you’re even dumber than the orange man. Make them look like the one called Melania.

— Bill Dalton is a former reporter and editor for The Kansas City Star and worked for several Michigan newspapers. He spends summers on the family farm near Fennville. His novel “The Bank Game” is available from Amazon along with “Dalton’s Bend."

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