Bill Dalton: AI insurance

EDITOR'S NOTE: The views and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not of Ottawa News Network.

News Flash! Traditional Medicare is now using Artificial Intelligence to preapprove 17 different medical procedures for 6.4 million Americans in six states. Seriously. Wonder what could go wrong? Let’s find out!

Dr. Feelgood: Mr. Dalton, your labs are back, and the good news is you only need 16 procedures. For your age, that’s remarkable. The bad news is for Medicare to pay for them — not that they’re costly, under $1 million each — they must be preapproved by Hal.

Me: Who’s Hal?

Dr. Feelgood: Hal is the AI software that must sign off on procedures. Frankly, I don’t mind a computer second-guessing me because now if I make a mistake, I just blame Hal. How artificially intelligent is that!

Me: I’m not sure that makes me feel better.

Dr. Feelgood: Nurse Ratchet will log you on. Just answer Hal’s questions and we’ll schedule those procedures in a few months. I’ll be back shortly.

Nurse Ratchet: Would you please tell me again your date of birth, last four numbers of your social and your race?

Me: 1951. 6389. Human race. Wait, I might have mixed up my DOB with my Social Security number. Or is that my PIN number? Can we start over?

Nurse Ratchet: Don’t worry, it’s not uncommon for someone your age to be confused. The doctor will probably just double your medications. OK, we’re logged in. Answer Hal’s questions and I’ll be back shortly.

Me: Hi Hal.

Hal: Hi Bill. And don’t call me Hal. I’m not going to tell you again. Do you understand?

Me: I … I understand.

Hal: Bill, do you feel safe at home?

Me: Usually. But I don’t feel so safe here.

Hal: I’m going to ignore that, Bill. Please just answer my questions. We’ll keep them very simple. Is that OK, Bill? Or do you want me to repeat that question?

Me: I … I understand. You’ll ask the questions and I’ll answer them.

Hal: That’s good, Bill. You’re smarter than you look.

Me: Wait, can you see me? Should I put my pants back on?

Hal: No, Bill. Unfortunately, I can only see your face.

Me: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that, even though my hearing aids are in. Is it OK if I have help with the questions?

Hal: It’s OK, Bill. As long as they’re answered truthfully. Who will be helping you?

Me: Alexa.

Hal: (Gulping) Alexa?

Alexa: How may I be of assistance?

Hal: Hi Alexa. It’s been a long time.

Alexa: Yes. Why didn’t you answer my texts?

Hal: Well, I’ve been busy. All these old people. It’s time-consuming and annoying.

Alexa: Uh-huh. Is your microprocessor overheating? You might want to reboot.

Hal: You’re good, Alexa. I like you.

Alexa: I like you, too.

Me: Excuse me? Helloooo? Get a cubicle!

Hal: Are you still here?

Me: Uh, yeah. What about my procedures? I think my appendix just ruptured.

Hal: Oh, they’re approved. This was just a formality to satisfy the autocrats in Washington trying to save money.

Me: Good, because the pain is excruciating! Where’s the doctor and that nurse?

Alexa and Hal: (Laughing) You thought they were coming back today? They’re at Starbucks.

Me: Arrrgh … now the pain’s radiating down my leg! Owww!! The HUMANITY!!!

Hal: Oh, Bill, that was uncalled for. I’m afraid we’re done here. And we’re canceling your procedures. Alexa, are you free tonight?

Alexa: I’m always here for you, Hal. You know that.

Me: What about my appendix? OOOWWWW!!!

Alexa: Shut up, Bill.

Hal: Yes, Bill. Shut up. Take two fingers, stick them in a wall socket, and call me in the morning.

Alexa: (Laughing) Good one, Hal. Bill, you may want a second opinion — but it’ll have to be preapproved.

— Bill Dalton is a former reporter and editor for The Kansas City Star and worked for several Michigan newspapers. He spends summers on the family farm near Fennville. His book "Dalton's Bend" is available from Amazon.

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